The past twelve months have been the most difficult in my life to date. Anyone who has followed me for a while knows We lost our Mum in August. To say this was the most challenging year yet is an understatement. Mums Illness and the harrowing time We had in her final weeks Were awful, and of course the funeral and all that goes along with it was difficult but We got through it. It has taken me a while to be able to write this post I’ve started and abandoned it many times. I wanted to share my struggle with You all as it is part of me and has shaped who I’ve become. I’m always honest with all my blog posts and when I write it comes straight from the heart.
Our family suffered horrendous trauma We lost Our lovely Mum. Any family who has had to endure a loss of their own flesh and blood knows how much the pain hurts Your soul. You can literally feel every part of You aching it’s the most traumatic overwhelming pain in Your heart. You literally walk around and Your insides are sore. You wake in the night from horrific nightmares with chest pains from sheer panic, loss and pain. Your mind ticks over and over and over thinking, thinking, thinking every minute of Your life every single second. You can never switch off from Your grief. There no escape,You can’t even sleep because Your dreaming about it. This goes on and on and on for months on end and The fear grips You so much that You can’t even see what’s in front of You anymore.
Trauma changes You, You are not the same person You were before and You never will be again. Trauma teaches You lessons You never knew existed. You have to see things that You hoped You would never see, feel things You hoped You would never feel. Your have no choice but to face Your pain. Your forced to endure every excruciating moment and live out Your worst nightmare and You have no control You have to let Your emotions flow.
Grieving has to run its course naturally, there’s no other way. You think Your dealing with it but actually Grief is dealing with You.The different stages come in no particular order and You get used to rolling with the punches.The depression I felt in the first few months of this year was the worst one for me. I felt dead on the inside like someone took my heart and all that was left was a blank space. I felt numb, void of any emotion, just empty. I missed being in pain I craved the lonliness and heartbreak because at least I felt human then. It’s easy to miss Mum We do that everyday, it’s easy to feel sad, it’s easy to cry, feeling heartbroken is a natural human reaction to the loss of our Mum. But when Your numb and You can feel nothing it’s the most lonely place in the world.
Time heals You but what You do with the time is important. Submerging Myself into the mourning was the only thing I could do. Giving into the grief and letting it knock me to the floor. I became good at facing pain and admitting how bad I felt. I began to tell my friends how awful I felt. I thought I’d never feel normal again but The more people I told the better I felt. I started going to the gym and exercising everyday. This helped to lift my mood and helped with the anxiety. I started to feel ok, little by little. I got there by taking baby steps. The past month I have felt much better, it’s getting easier and I’m starting to heal. Of course the scars are still very tender but I’m getting there. I feel like myself again positive, strong and ready to take on the world one step at a time.
I had a great support network around me, my Husband, Son, My Dad Brothers and Sisters my friends, some of my clients in the salon. Sarah who worked for me has recently moved on to a new job in Claremorris. She was a great support at work and Platinum would not have survived without her. I also had fantastic support from a great bereavement Councillor and a great friend Siobhan Mulee. Even with a powerhouse support network I still really struggled.
I hope this post hasn’t upset anyone I’m just telling My story as it happened to Me. Without any frills or motivational quotes. This is how a real person deals with trauma. This is how it happens here in Castlebar to My family and to Me.
Thank You for reading